the One I've been waiting for;

Having recently gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship, I've had a lot of time to myself. A lot of time to think. A lot of time to become aware of the fact that I have been relying on others to fuel my own self esteem. I'm not one to search out the spotlight, though it tends to happen anyways because I am loud and I wear my emotions like warpaint. So when I am not in someone's spotlight, I begin to wonder if I have ceased to exist. Reality has always been a a tricky subject, and I have a very delicate, tenuous grasp on it. 

Now, I feel that I should clarify a few things here, which seem to be common misunderstandings, regarding where I'm at right now:

1) I don't miss the relationship. I was unhappy with it for a long time, and I have become more myself in the last few weeks, than I ever could have in the last few years. Maybe that sounds heartless, but it was a good thing that it ended. 

2) I do not dislike myself. I, in fact, am quite pleased with the person I've become. I am proud of myself, and I regret nothing. But it's when I take this personal image out into the world, and people don't react the way I expect them to, I wonder if I was wrong. Or if I am just so peculiar, so alien (which has basis in reality), that no one gets it. Perhaps no one knows what to make of me.

3) I don't want attention. Not from most people anyways. All I really want is acknowledgment. Because as previous discussed, it is a confirmation of a common reality between myself and another. 

So now that I've made this sufficiently convoluted and incoherent, I think that the main objective to this rambling is that I am now tasked with developing a stable ground within myself. I need to create a core that is so dense, so incredibly durable, that I can continue to exist without sharing realities with anyone else. I need to learn how to work my magic alone, so that I can be a more complete part of the rest of the Universe. And thus, the duality becomes apparent, as I am both isolated and integrated.

(I am the Calm
and I am the Storm
I am Bruised
and I am Whole
I am the One I've been waiting for
and I am Empty;)

particle by particle she slowly changes;

as i release the many former parts of myself, countless monsters surface. i remember what jealousy feels like. i remember what judgment feels like. i remember what loneliness feels like. but most of all, i remember what insecurity feels like. like metal grinding against metal. i pour myself onto the table and try to spruce it up, just in case someone happens to see it. as if even the chambers of my heart were on display. 

this is Beautiful because i asked for it. i begged for it. i manifested it. i asked to have all of the residue of my former self removed, and it was sucked out like poison from a wound. its as if i cracked myself open and scattered the pieces onto the floor. every little lie i told or love i gave or smile i faked. now i have to sift through the wreckage and figure out what pieces to keep and which to discard. and i am afraid. 

every thought feels like a bruise. my brain itself is raw from having all the dark things pulled out and set on fire. but this is still Beautiful, and i am glowing from inside.

&all the power in the Universe conspires to carry you;

When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was or could be unattractive. In fact, it never really occurred to me to assess my physical appearance at all. For me, beauty has always been directly correlated with a person’s character, and cannot be separated from it. In this light, low self esteem in others made little sense to me (it still does, to an extent). How could someone not see the beauty in themselves, when I saw it so plainly? Applying this principle to my own self esteem, I found myself to be beautiful and desirable; not in comparison to others, simply as a free-standing true statement. And then I got fat.

The process leading up to this took place over the last few years, and quite slowly at that. My early 20’s were a shitstorm, including but not limited to: numerous identity crises, self-mutilation, and turbulent relationships. The recurring theme among all of these events was my ongoing cycle of self-realization, self-reflection, and massive purging of all that was not myself. My looks were the farthest thing from my mind. Following one rather cataclysmic metamorphosis, I had a massive spiritual awakening. I was literally glowing from the inside. And then, one day, a friend made a comment about my weight.

Though I was understandably hurt by the comment, what did the most damage was not the comment itself, but the fact that in that moment, I realized the way she really saw me. For the first time in my life, I was consciously faced with the fact that not everyone saw people the same why I did; for at least one other person on this planet, beauty and desirability were based on looks. I realize how absurdly obvious this sounds in retrospect. Clearly, more than just that one person judges an individual’s value based on looks. But it never even occurred to me.

Initially, I brushed off the comment as just one person’s opinion. But since then, I have received various other veiled insults. The general consensus seems to be that I am a curiously confident person, and surprisingly comfortable with myself. The insult here, which is not so seamlessly disguised, is the surprise at my confidence. As if it was such an admirable thing to be comfortable in my own body, as sub-standard as it is. These sort of comments are given with a pitying sincerity, the likes of which you would give someone who survived cancer or remained strong during the loss of a loved one.

Over the last month, I have been in the process of another spiritual metamorphosis.  As I have begun to purge all that which is not my authentic self, I encountered one of these particularly unnerving “compliments”. And as this has annoyed me in the past, nothing could prepare me for what it did to me this time around. Am I not beautiful? Am I so physically repulsive that I would have a reason to not be comfortable in my own skin? I quickly slipped into a sort of cognitive dissonance. And why should it matter whether I am attractive or not? Do I really need the acceptance of people that don’t know me? Ideals of beauty are subjective and ever-changing. Does it serve my higher good or my divine purpose to be physically desirable? Is there any reason, other than my immense ego, that my looks should matter?

After some crying and prayer and chatting with my guides (go Team Patricia!), I came to realize that all of this fuss over the social value of my looks was an indicator of a larger issue; one which has necessarily been coming to a head. As I evolve at an accelerated pace (as we all are in this new energy), certain aspects of my old life are falling away and change is becoming imminent. Huge, life changing decisions are becoming necessary in order to make room for my new life. These are radical changes in my life path and in my career status. As I come out of the closet, metaphorically speaking, I hesitate. What will my family think? What will my co-workers think? What will my friends think? I have been so determined to prove myself to the world, that when it comes time to make the most important changes I have yet faced, I am confronted with my monstrous ego.

I want to be liked. I want to be respected. I want to be attractive. Stepping out into the world, figuratively naked, scares the hell out of me. But it is not only crucial, it is also necessary. And here is the truth: I am loved, I am honored, and I am beautiful RIGHT NOW. Exactly as I am. Stepping out into the world, and following my inner guidance, will bless those who need it, including myself. The others will fall away into other relationships that are more appropriate for their particular path. This is not to say that it is unimportant to strive to be healthy; taking care of ourselves (both physically and otherwise) should be our number one priority! The point is that it is ok that I am not valued outwardly by everyone. The truth is that even though we are all in lesson, we are all loved and valued immeasurably in reality. No one, except yourself, can make you any more (or less) beautiful or loved or honored than you already are.

a new initiative;

although this project was begun with the intent to become a center for my own self-expression via writing or other mediums, it will begin to take a slightly new direction. well, it will and it won't. 

typically, as many of my long-time internet companions will be aware of, any project undertaken by myself, with the intent of self-expression (the self-proclaimed Ribcage Theatre) becomes a mass of words: stream-of-consciousness style, with violent and dripping word porn. i have never had the means to describe it, though perhaps my English major companions can classify it for me (and no, i have my own format for writing; it is meant to read and feel as raw as the emotions that create it; i create my own style, as i feel it is the most genuine form of self-expression; if something is capitalized or punctuated, it is for a reason, not out of convention; it implies meaning; see: god vs. God). 

anyways, there will still be much of that. but the issue is that i have become increasingly fragmented as i navigate my life. there is the "me" that my internet companions know, the "me" that my spiritual friends know, the "me" that my family knows, and on and on. and i have allowed those personifications to compartmentalize continuously, until i find myself having several different identities, each one with their own realm and personality. few people in my life experience and intersection of these personalities, and when they do, they often become confused. i become insulted, because i feel as if they don't know me, but then realize that i was the one who allowed and encouraged the compartmentalization in the first place. so, i have felt tremendous angst over what i want to do with this neglected blog. poetry? journaling? spiritual discussions? book reviews? and etc. 

many people do not realize this about me, as i don't advertise it, but i have experienced a massive spiritual awakening over the last couple of years. while the skeptic in me denied it for a long time, after multiple spiritual "events", it became more rational to accept it than to keep adamantly denying it. that being said, i have felt deeply moved to strike out into the spiritual arena and begin writing on certain topics that i struggled with from the beginning, as well as continued issues that i (and presumably many) have.

two things have delayed this project: (1) writing on spiritual issues implies a certain amount of knowledge or "authority" on the topic. it requires a great deal of security in one's beliefs and experiences. (2) while such issues retain a lot of my focus, i am not a guru or a Master. i am human, and i have darkness as well as light, and i like pizza and vodka and video games and being very strange and loud. i address these two issues as follows:

(1) all my life, i have felt that i have a very particular, very important purpose. back when i was a child, and was having night terrors, and the religion i was raised in made no sense to me (there are concepts i still embrace, but much of the doctrine is fundamentally flawed), i still felt a distinct since of purpose. i was here for a reason, and i would not die until that was completed. that simple. during my spiritual awakening, i have been all but punched in the face with signs that i need to start sharing what i've learned with others; my struggles are not my own, but have lessons for many others. as i awkwardly stumble into leadership roles, and start voicing my thoughts, it will do one of two things (or both): it will help and heal and inspire others, or it will cause others to delve more deeply into themselves and examine exactly what they believe and why. either of these outcomes are fantastic. and, as i was told (or, reminded of) last night: "there will always be a million people who will talk down to you and try to drag you down for what you believe, and there will also be a million people who will be helped by what you do. forget about the first million, they don't have to read your blog, they can go do something else. its the second million that matters. you're doing it because its important; that's all that matters." how could i have forgotten that? its about service, not ego.

(2) we are all full of darkness AND light (see: my first post on this blog). i make no claims to "enlightenment" or to mastery of any subject. i am holy and i am human; they are not mutually exclusive. if all is connected, then nothing can be separate. this project will be an integration of all of me; something i have never before attempted. i am the student, the lover, the Reiki practitioner, the classmate, the philosophy major, the social worker, the daughter, the sister, and everything else. i'm not sorry.

this blog will be very "spiritually" intense, but not 100% of the time. i have never blogged or any such thing, so i'm trying to learn the details. i will try to label posts, for reference purposes (or for weeding out stuff you don't care about). feedback is good, in that it facilitates discussion. i have a small list of topics in my head, so i'm not sure where i'll start. but that's ok. it will unfold as it needs to.

(it's where my demons hide;)

sometimes i forget that i am made up of dead stars and galaxies and Shadows and Light. so much fucking light.  i forget that i am a monster and that sometimes all that i am explodes into shards of Love and Life and Fury. i shed my skin and i have to re-learn my Life all over again. i crack open my rib cage and put my Heart on display, for all the world to see, because i Love my angels and my demons and my monstrous, monstrous wolf self. 

i am tired of the illusion of polarity in this world. it has always been confusing to me. every single thing in Existence is beautiful and ugly and sacred and profane and good and evil and dark and light. Heaven is right now. always right now. i wish i could show all of you that Heaven that i see. that is my mission; to show the World that Heaven is here in this place. it exists in every bit of shadow and hints of smiles and every single touch and laugh and every broken heart and lonely night. 

this is my journey.