a new initiative;

although this project was begun with the intent to become a center for my own self-expression via writing or other mediums, it will begin to take a slightly new direction. well, it will and it won't. 

typically, as many of my long-time internet companions will be aware of, any project undertaken by myself, with the intent of self-expression (the self-proclaimed Ribcage Theatre) becomes a mass of words: stream-of-consciousness style, with violent and dripping word porn. i have never had the means to describe it, though perhaps my English major companions can classify it for me (and no, i have my own format for writing; it is meant to read and feel as raw as the emotions that create it; i create my own style, as i feel it is the most genuine form of self-expression; if something is capitalized or punctuated, it is for a reason, not out of convention; it implies meaning; see: god vs. God). 

anyways, there will still be much of that. but the issue is that i have become increasingly fragmented as i navigate my life. there is the "me" that my internet companions know, the "me" that my spiritual friends know, the "me" that my family knows, and on and on. and i have allowed those personifications to compartmentalize continuously, until i find myself having several different identities, each one with their own realm and personality. few people in my life experience and intersection of these personalities, and when they do, they often become confused. i become insulted, because i feel as if they don't know me, but then realize that i was the one who allowed and encouraged the compartmentalization in the first place. so, i have felt tremendous angst over what i want to do with this neglected blog. poetry? journaling? spiritual discussions? book reviews? and etc. 

many people do not realize this about me, as i don't advertise it, but i have experienced a massive spiritual awakening over the last couple of years. while the skeptic in me denied it for a long time, after multiple spiritual "events", it became more rational to accept it than to keep adamantly denying it. that being said, i have felt deeply moved to strike out into the spiritual arena and begin writing on certain topics that i struggled with from the beginning, as well as continued issues that i (and presumably many) have.

two things have delayed this project: (1) writing on spiritual issues implies a certain amount of knowledge or "authority" on the topic. it requires a great deal of security in one's beliefs and experiences. (2) while such issues retain a lot of my focus, i am not a guru or a Master. i am human, and i have darkness as well as light, and i like pizza and vodka and video games and being very strange and loud. i address these two issues as follows:

(1) all my life, i have felt that i have a very particular, very important purpose. back when i was a child, and was having night terrors, and the religion i was raised in made no sense to me (there are concepts i still embrace, but much of the doctrine is fundamentally flawed), i still felt a distinct since of purpose. i was here for a reason, and i would not die until that was completed. that simple. during my spiritual awakening, i have been all but punched in the face with signs that i need to start sharing what i've learned with others; my struggles are not my own, but have lessons for many others. as i awkwardly stumble into leadership roles, and start voicing my thoughts, it will do one of two things (or both): it will help and heal and inspire others, or it will cause others to delve more deeply into themselves and examine exactly what they believe and why. either of these outcomes are fantastic. and, as i was told (or, reminded of) last night: "there will always be a million people who will talk down to you and try to drag you down for what you believe, and there will also be a million people who will be helped by what you do. forget about the first million, they don't have to read your blog, they can go do something else. its the second million that matters. you're doing it because its important; that's all that matters." how could i have forgotten that? its about service, not ego.

(2) we are all full of darkness AND light (see: my first post on this blog). i make no claims to "enlightenment" or to mastery of any subject. i am holy and i am human; they are not mutually exclusive. if all is connected, then nothing can be separate. this project will be an integration of all of me; something i have never before attempted. i am the student, the lover, the Reiki practitioner, the classmate, the philosophy major, the social worker, the daughter, the sister, and everything else. i'm not sorry.

this blog will be very "spiritually" intense, but not 100% of the time. i have never blogged or any such thing, so i'm trying to learn the details. i will try to label posts, for reference purposes (or for weeding out stuff you don't care about). feedback is good, in that it facilitates discussion. i have a small list of topics in my head, so i'm not sure where i'll start. but that's ok. it will unfold as it needs to.