When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was or
could be unattractive. In fact, it never really occurred to me to assess my
physical appearance at all. For me, beauty has always been directly correlated
with a person’s character, and cannot be separated from it. In this light, low
self esteem in others made little sense to me (it still does, to an extent).
How could someone not see the beauty in themselves, when I saw it so plainly?
Applying this principle to my own self esteem, I found myself to be beautiful
and desirable; not in comparison to others, simply as a free-standing true
statement. And then I got fat.
The process leading up to this took place over the last few
years, and quite slowly at that. My early 20’s were a shitstorm, including but
not limited to: numerous identity crises, self-mutilation, and turbulent relationships.
The recurring theme among all of these events was my ongoing cycle of
self-realization, self-reflection, and massive purging of all that was not
myself. My looks were the farthest thing from my mind. Following one rather
cataclysmic metamorphosis, I had a massive spiritual awakening. I was literally
glowing from the inside. And then, one day, a friend made a comment about my
weight.
Though I was understandably hurt by the comment, what did
the most damage was not the comment itself, but the fact that in that moment, I
realized the way she really saw me. For the first time in my life, I was
consciously faced with the fact that not everyone saw people the same why I
did; for at least one other person on this planet, beauty and desirability were
based on looks. I realize how absurdly obvious this sounds in retrospect. Clearly,
more than just that one person judges an individual’s value based on looks. But
it never even occurred to me.
Initially, I brushed off the comment as just one person’s
opinion. But since then, I have received various other veiled insults. The general
consensus seems to be that I am a curiously confident person, and surprisingly
comfortable with myself. The insult here, which is not so seamlessly disguised,
is the surprise at my confidence. As if it was such an admirable thing to be
comfortable in my own body, as sub-standard as it is. These sort of comments
are given with a pitying sincerity, the likes of which you would give someone
who survived cancer or remained strong during the loss of a loved one.
Over the last month, I have been in the process of another
spiritual metamorphosis. As I have begun
to purge all that which is not my authentic self, I encountered one of these
particularly unnerving “compliments”. And as this has annoyed me in the past,
nothing could prepare me for what it did to me this time around. Am I not
beautiful? Am I so physically repulsive that I would have a reason to not be
comfortable in my own skin? I quickly slipped into a sort of cognitive dissonance.
And why should it matter whether I am attractive or not? Do I really need the
acceptance of people that don’t know me? Ideals of beauty are subjective and
ever-changing. Does it serve my higher good or my divine purpose to be
physically desirable? Is there any reason, other than my immense ego, that my
looks should matter?
After some crying and prayer and chatting with my guides (go
Team Patricia!), I came to realize that all of this fuss over the social value
of my looks was an indicator of a larger issue; one which has necessarily been
coming to a head. As I evolve at an accelerated pace (as we all are in this new
energy), certain aspects of my old life are falling away and change is becoming
imminent. Huge, life changing decisions are becoming necessary in order to make
room for my new life. These are radical changes in my life path and in my
career status. As I come out of the closet, metaphorically speaking, I
hesitate. What will my family think? What will my co-workers think? What will
my friends think? I have been so determined to prove myself to the world, that
when it comes time to make the most important changes I have yet faced, I am
confronted with my monstrous ego.
I want to be liked. I want to be respected. I want to be
attractive. Stepping out into the world, figuratively naked, scares the hell
out of me. But it is not only crucial, it is also necessary. And here is the
truth: I am loved, I am honored, and I am beautiful RIGHT NOW. Exactly as I am.
Stepping out into the world, and following my inner guidance, will bless those
who need it, including myself. The others will fall away into other
relationships that are more appropriate for their particular path. This is not
to say that it is unimportant to strive to be healthy; taking care of ourselves
(both physically and otherwise) should be our number one priority! The point is
that it is ok that I am not valued outwardly by everyone. The truth is that
even though we are all in lesson, we are all loved and valued immeasurably in
reality. No one, except yourself, can make you any more (or less) beautiful or
loved or honored than you already are.
